Burden

Burden comes in such depths of weight. Today, as if all other days were semi-significant - was elemental in change.  A step toward difference. A leap toward manifestation.  I sat patiently awaiting my turn; scraping random food parts from my pants and tapping the toes of my boots to a wall-to-wall carpet that begged for a vacuum.

"Trish, you can go in now," came a voice from behind the half-wall of justice.  I stood, and ran my hands over my pleats, wrestled all handles into a convenient grouping and threw shoulders back before walking. My mother always told me to stand up straight - that point resonated on this day.  The solemn march to a back office where I might find a plush, leather chair and an all-to-anxious legal representative, salivating over my arrival.

"Have a seat".

Thank you, I'll stand...I used the next three and a half minutes to lay out before him, my myriad of jargon and attempted justification.

"The problem...is that you're giving me numbers that don't match. There must be something that I am missing.  What am I missing Trish?"

"Mmmm - well, how much time do you have?"(On the inside).

On the outside, I drew attention to the process that has aided and abedded such a criminal - the thundering march of drums growing louder within - "there is a process," I chant.
Elements of change came in the form of understanding. I detailed and derailed, drifted and scaffolded what would otherwise be a migraine-at-will.  And finally, the look of  ah. ha. came to surface. I think he gets it. My point, my reasons, my challenge toward being a better human.

I cried this morning as I cry at night. No more a bleeding-heart than the next occupied citizen, I want out of this sickness. In the slap of a pen to yellow legal pad and a smirk which signified comprehension, I was suddenly lighter. In as many years and equal sleepless nights, I have worried. If only....

There is no answer yet, but I remain vigilant. In so much as I can understand the elements that cause growth, change, ...becoming, I can understand this.  Oh, to be something other than the targeted. It is happening though. An evolution. Still, I stand. I teeter to the right - sway back to the left - there is balance here in this movement.  I miss them. I miss being looked upon as if I had all the answers. I am good at this even though you question my motivations. I am good at taking care - at care-taking. I am meant for this - justifier to the unjust; advocate for the forgotten.

Remind me when those drums chant louder. Recall the pounding reinforcements of sacrifice and the deafening pounds of vision; of fortitude. They march.

They need care too.