The act of receiving a present is something that we take for granted. We might shake it a bit, fondle it, tilt it side to side; listening for some obvious noise for a clue to the contents. The actual action of unwrapping the gift however, is lost to the greater desire to see what fills the question. "What is it?"
I propose that there exists an entire meaning of plausible retrospect in spending time contemplating each tear, rip or mauling of that gift. What is our best effort at undressing something new that we've just received?
On this proposal, I return to the substance of my unveiling 2009. Certainly, it may be suggested that my attempt at unveiling is happenstance a little too late, but I'm recognizing that it occurred and that's where the power is. The recognition. Call it a shifty sabbatical, a minor excursion in mental-leave, or my vain attempt to take on the world all by my little self. Whatever it be named, I was absentee for nearly three quarters of a year!
I'm baaaack.
Let's see: January 2009 was beleaguered by an angry woman of scorned divorce who couldn't reconcile with the demons that she fought within = ME.
February brought a touch of ranting and tidbits of happy justification when I buried my head into quotes of strength and power.
That didn't hold out through March however.
March 2009 - was somewhat tumultuous. My birthday month -- and I couldn't seem to gather enough power to see that I was fast-approaching 30. That maybe I should be saddened by the prospect, or elated at the nearing of some right-of-passage. Whichever perspective, I just couldn't gather it. I didn't really care.
April came and brought with it a handful of friendly laughs and spirited attempts to be ever-optimistic.
I threw what is promising to be the first of a yearly "Effin Pity Party"
This (I'm hoping) will become a weekend of tents and testifying to the martyrdom of self - maybe just for the weekend to let out what little pity we can gather for ourselves. Attendees shall be prepared to assist in offering pity to other members and expect such in kind. At current, the list of attendees is all but five - but we're funded by an entire society, so I think it'll get better with time.
And then, there's May, June, July...and through the Summer. Work. Work. Work. Good work though. I busied myself through the Summer months getting in touch with shoving all aspects of my building anger and contempt deep, deep down inside so that the outside world didn't have to contend with the issue that I was becoming. On the "upside," I found out that the depths of my irritability run far deeper than I would have ever guessed. Outwardly, I felt pleasant enough - showing just glimpses and peeks of what was hiding beneath. But inward -- I was hardening like stone.
The light - the pieces that held me together through the year were the unravelings of happiness and of family. The moments in Summer when the tire swing hanging from the largest Oak tree in five counties, it rested at the end of it's support. As if waiting to be played with...
In moments of losing it all, of losing my breath and finding it hard to breathe...I would look toward Heaven. And there, I would catch myself from falling. That sky; those clouds, they lifted. They floated free and unwavering from their purpose.
It is lifting.
Of all the times that I wished to float freely above my problems; my worry - I can attest to finally finding some peace in the unwrapping. I can say that I'm able to breathe without stuffing issues and without holding back.
The time unwraps itself. Sure, we assist when we push and beg and plead for answers. But we're coaxing in all the wrong directions. I scan through the pages of photos from a few mere months ago and realize that time is passing too quickly. That I've neglected to really breathe as an active, living soul. I've resisted a lung full of fresh life thinking that I was cognizant of being able to "stop and smell the roses" but my application failed miserably.
I'm stopping.
I'm letting go.
And I'm going to appreciate unwrapping the contents of the life I've been given.
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