So strange to go around the bend after five years of treading water to find that the bend reveals a position of the being that I’ve seen and lived previously. At that moment, I do believe I felt my heart stop beating and because it had been beating in such rapid succession with the space that you occupy when you live with chaos, I had to make a decision right then and there. Was I going to live this cycle again, surely to repeat it over and over until I was no more? Or would I change up the game enough to realize my true potential at being? I let out a breath I’d been holding for years….FFFFFfffffffff……
Change up!
Really, it was a dual-effect – a promulgation of forces all meeting at one location and smacking me about the head and neck to wake me up. I'm happy to say that it worked! I’d been sleeping; snoozing through the forks in the road that Frost’s lines of encouragement delivered and decided to tread same path; same cycle for years up to that point. Until I awoke, I didn’t see that I had the man of my dreams, the life that I wished for – right under my nose! And then, the crusties came out of the corners of my eyes and I began to see – really see – what was happening. I’d become so accustomed to living in misery, that I called it company and let it stay for a while. Like that friend that says they need somewhere to crash, and that they’ll only be a little bit…maybe a week or two. Until four months later, you realize the stink resonating from the couch is because they’re still there and haven’t laundered themselves. Aye! That was my misery – my company. Stupid, really. But at that point in life – it was elemental to sustaining anger and disbelief.
Around the bend I came – saw that same location, the same path – yet, this time…there was a fork. The fork symbolizing a necessary change – if I so chose to go that way – that I would absolutely need to push forward, no reverting back – no falling into the comfort zone of misery and chaos. Right now was the time to make it big and it HAD to begin with me. I would have to resign my position of being in charge and of redirecting every outside force to the cobble walkway that I was going. I would have to focus solely on M-E and not have it consume my thoughts of it being self-pretentious. Me had to be important to me and that couldn’t happen until I began to give credit to the capabilities that I had in stock; untapped stock.
Two hands, ten fingers – gripping my chest for every fight left in my brittle bones, I grabbed hold and tore it open. If it was coming out – if I was going to be important to me, than I was going to get to the heart of the matter and really figure out what I had going on inside. I regurgitated everywhere! Imagine landmines of emotional disillusionment and sticky, yucky vengeance and baggage splattered on the walls and the ceiling, in my hair and on the light switch. I wasn’t pretty. However…it was necessary.
The two months, three months that followed that were assimilated to the processing of a seed that’s planted in the ground in due time with the coming Spring frost. It can’t germinate too quickly, or it’ll surely die off …it has to get warm, feel secure, have the promise of Spring, get some water, some nourishment and then finally BUST out of it’s little seed pod and with a click of the heels, find out just what it means to grow through dirt and become the rare orchid that it was meant to be! Badabing! I was coming alive and for the very first time in years; decades, I could breathe! No inhaling only to hold it – no exhaling frantically just to get it out …I had a pattern of breaths, deep ones and of generating my own sanity. Gradually, the corners of my mouth raised in succinct pattern with the germinating thoughts of awesomeness that were in my head and now – well now I just can’t turn it off.
I'm in love like Thumper in “Bambi” or the blushing little school girl that can’t stop the twinkle in her eyes. And I'm proud. Proud of me – I’d thought for so long that my arms weren’t longer precisely because they shouldn’t be used to pat oneself on the back all the time. And now I wish that they worked kind of like noses or ears – and kept growing as we get older, just so I could give myself a pat on the back! Pat – Pat – Pat…there, there me.
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