Eyes Open and Dreaming: The Detriment of Insecurity
My confidence wanes today as my eyes flutter in the scope.
In a not-so-distant past, I can remember dancing in the morning; for the nighttime brought me great insight. It seemed almost second-nature to wake in the morning with a noggin’ full of inspiration because of a dream. One that was recurring and full of elation. It was that of a little girl. Blonde hair, yellow dress and from ear to ear, a smile that could end a war. I would see her when I slept and I searched for her there in my slumber; always looking for anything to indicate her name.
Nothing.
In some instances, she was referred to as “sunshine,” similar to that of my father. Green grasses and that flash of yellow that kept me returning to quest for the little girl of my dreams.
And then…it stopped.
I got no “goodbye”, no “adieu” for now – nothing. I just didn’t see her anymore. I'm assuming this is because of the emotional whirlwind that soon came to pass. Probably had something to do with the onslaught of four-plus years of trying to get divorced. Most-likely – that was the reason. And…as with depression and upset, often follows a boat-load of insecurities and the only action of placing dreams upon shelves. No dusting. No reflection. Just depression without impression.
A recent reflection of mine as I endure to review my actions and how others’ actions have impacted me, I find that sleep is calling for my return as well. That I might be able to catch my breath again. The confidant, strong self took the reigns recently and aspired to forge through discourse. I let it. I’ve been coming awake and it’s good. But today…today I'm feeling myself slip. My confidant self, I believe, may have gone for a bathroom break, or out to lunch. Regardless, I'm somewhat lost, and so I question…why is it that as soon as I begin feeling inspiration once again, and I check my feet; they’re sturdy, as soon as I am about to exhale the deepest, fullest breath, it’s as though I run over (and slam face-first into the ground) a trip-wire that no one told me about?! Unsuspecting fool.
Maybe it’s a premonition (?) my dream – indicative of the freedom of a child, the innocence of being young. Maybe she’s something to come. I hope she is. That was a large part of those shelved dreams…children. Of having children. May be more of the attempt to prove that I am a good mother. That I am able to give life to something besides my failed attempts at “fixing” everything else...the extension of family and of love...of what it means to be truly loved.
My vestige.
That’s what I strive to return to. Return to finding my dreams and I do feel it welling – that quest for “sunshine”. Yet, I'm pausing because of what feels like inevitable doubt.
Insecurity.
They battle…A LOT! Dreams and Insecurity, that is.
For the record, I did happen upon an identifier for my sunshine: Thea –or- Chloe.
I like that. Makes sense to me. Makes me smile past my insecure frown. And I realize then, that there is much more of me that lies beneath the surface. I don’t speak of it all just yet ~ partially because of the battle that ensues and part of it because I'm afraid to hear that my dreams might not be shared.
Sharing dreams ~ that’s where the matter of life lies. And I so hope to share.
Journeys are not devoid of meaning - they are road maps of impeccably placed footsteps leading to success in all forms. Throughout this process, I pull inspiration from all things musing design, art, empathy, and beautiful good will. Through teaching, listening, learning, cooking, sharing and loving I have an abundance of awesomeness. It is life, love and the meaning of.
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After great understanding, comes relief.
To contemplate to a form of reality generates not only justification, but also a plan of engagement.
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