From my Being

I’ve been here before. This very spot in my being where I didn’t think that I had the gusto to continue. It was five years ago. And at that time, I didn’t have the gusto. I didn’t have care or concern, or even energy. It wasn’t worth my investment to continue a relationship that had outgrown itself on one half and on the other, had dried like a shrunken head in the hot sun of life.




So strange to go around the bend after five years of treading water to find that the bend reveals a position of the being that I’ve seen and lived previously. At that moment, I do believe I felt my heart stop beating and because it had been beating in such rapid succession with the space that you occupy when you live with chaos, I had to make a decision right then and there. Was I going to live this cycle again, surely to repeat it over and over until I was no more? Or would I change up the game enough to realize my true potential at being? I let out a breath I’d been holding for years….FFFFFfffffffff……



Change up!



Really, it was a dual-effect – a promulgation of forces all meeting at one location and smacking me about the head and neck to wake me up. I'm happy to say that it worked! I’d been sleeping; snoozing through the forks in the road that Frost’s lines of encouragement delivered and decided to tread same path; same cycle for years up to that point. Until I awoke, I didn’t see that I had the man of my dreams, the life that I wished for – right under my nose! And then, the crusties came out of the corners of my eyes and I began to see – really see – what was happening. I’d become so accustomed to living in misery, that I called it company and let it stay for a while. Like that friend that says they need somewhere to crash, and that they’ll only be a little bit…maybe a week or two. Until four months later, you realize the stink resonating from the couch is because they’re still there and haven’t laundered themselves. Aye! That was my misery – my company. Stupid, really. But at that point in life – it was elemental to sustaining anger and disbelief.



Around the bend I came – saw that same location, the same path – yet, this time…there was a fork. The fork symbolizing a necessary change – if I so chose to go that way – that I would absolutely need to push forward, no reverting back – no falling into the comfort zone of misery and chaos. Right now was the time to make it big and it HAD to begin with me. I would have to resign my position of being in charge and of redirecting every outside force to the cobble walkway that I was going. I would have to focus solely on M-E and not have it consume my thoughts of it being self-pretentious. Me had to be important to me and that couldn’t happen until I began to give credit to the capabilities that I had in stock; untapped stock.



Two hands, ten fingers – gripping my chest for every fight left in my brittle bones, I grabbed hold and tore it open. If it was coming out – if I was going to be important to me, than I was going to get to the heart of the matter and really figure out what I had going on inside. I regurgitated everywhere! Imagine landmines of emotional disillusionment and sticky, yucky vengeance and baggage splattered on the walls and the ceiling, in my hair and on the light switch. I wasn’t pretty. However…it was necessary.

The two months, three months that followed that were assimilated to the processing of a seed that’s planted in the ground in due time with the coming Spring frost. It can’t germinate too quickly, or it’ll surely die off …it has to get warm, feel secure, have the promise of Spring, get some water, some nourishment and then finally BUST out of it’s little seed pod and with a click of the heels, find out just what it means to grow through dirt and become the rare orchid that it was meant to be! Badabing! I was coming alive and for the very first time in years; decades, I could breathe! No inhaling only to hold it – no exhaling frantically just to get it out …I had a pattern of breaths, deep ones and of generating my own sanity. Gradually, the corners of my mouth raised in succinct pattern with the germinating thoughts of awesomeness that were in my head and now – well now I just can’t turn it off.



I'm in love like Thumper in “Bambi” or the blushing little school girl that can’t stop the twinkle in her eyes. And I'm proud. Proud of me – I’d thought for so long that my arms weren’t longer precisely because they shouldn’t be used to pat oneself on the back all the time. And now I wish that they worked kind of like noses or ears – and kept growing as we get older, just so I could give myself a pat on the back! Pat – Pat – Pat…there, there me.

I'm not done yet for this is just the beginning. I know this feeling, this life holds so much more for me, for us – me and Lovey – that it’s going to continue to unfold in the most glorious of things. Sure, there’ll be down times – and sadness, but in the correct mindset, it will be handled in the best of ways, healthy ways. I'm an active agent in my own life and I owe much of my gratitude and accomplishment to the man that (through threatening the very worst ) peeled back the layers of my onion skin and held my feet to the flame; Lovey. For you – I am so graciously thankful from the depth of my being. You are my one, and hand in hand we’ll travel this awesome, beautiful life!

Lil' Piece of Heaven

I’ve got myself a little piece of heaven in my hand. 

Those fleece sheets really keep out the cold, and as I unwrapped myself – planted firmly alongside my love, I gazed toward the window, the sun shining brightly in and calling for me to wake, I drew in a deep breath of life.  Today was going to be delightful in all it’s mystery and story-telling I could feel it!

I donned my best suede skirt, black, silk cowl-neck blouse, a pair of glittery stockings holding in the exuberance that my legs were feeling and slipped into my engineer boots just before putting on my green jade ring for the sake of its inability to absorb negative energy.  I tossed back my blond locks (which are growing so fiercely as of late that I’ve decided even they’re happy!), spritzed on my rose perfume and smacked my lips together with their shiny gloss just before looking one last time in to the mirror – “I love you” was the whisper and out I went to find my lovely, adoring fan base.

They were there – each of them in their wonderful beings.  My Lovey – he’s the embodiment of what it means to really feel love – to live love, and have it live back; love back.  Takes my breath away that quirky, yet distinguishable, wonderful man!  And he makes me laugh – like, really laugh, that guttural, belly laugh that sometimes stops all sound from exiting your body yet your mouth is gaping open. Ah, Lovey.

And “Wissa” – the pet-name received by little brothers that can’t pronounce the syllables all the way for lack of their two front teeth.  She’s a doll – a beacon of what it means to be a young woman coming in to her own. So full of life – of questions and disbelief at times, and then others…she’s whirling around in her pretties all dolled up for the world to see and appreciate. She’s certainly appreciated. 

Then there’s “Dogger” – another pet-name not really befitting his uniqueness and brilliancy as a child - one with too many responsibilities and worries for being only six years old.  He contends well for the most part though.  If Lovey and I can keep up the positivity in our little home, it’s sure to manifest greatness for this little boy.  These two little cocooning larvae…we can only imagine what they’ll metamorphose in to.  It promises to be quite a show however. I’ve already placed my reservations for VIP seating on this one!

Anyway, there they were – hustling, bustling in to the beginning of this day.  My rose parfum trailed behind me as I put together my coffee fix for the morning and stepped out the door to greet the day.

“Oh day of mine – how I’ve missed you!”

That’s the summation – that this day is mine. It doesn’t ask to be anything other than received.  Another opportunity to jest into whatever we’ve decided is most important to our becoming; the day is there to grant that opportunity. And I'm jesting.  My smirky-grin isn’t for the sunshine in my eyes, but rather in delighting for the opportunity to do this again. And maybe – just maybe, tomorrow I’ll get to do it again!

Contending with the Difficulty of Making Amends

Between me and my problem - we were entangled and confused.

Just because you want answers and validation and feel that by feeding me a continuous stream of unaccountability and confusion, does not mean that I must justify you with a response.

I would only be positioning myself and family for further ridicule as you would surely dissect my language and initiate your position of common pandemonium.  Sadly, this is the interplay among persons with a waning proficiency at being honest, humble, or realistic.
As such, I have concluded that I shall not be burdened with expending energy in a black hole of rationalization.

Does then, our avoidance of showing affection to drama, mean that it will rise again in some new stage or forum?  Probably.  Only long enough to pull some of the air out of what exists as healthy -- like fire starving for oxygen.  It sits idle behind closed doors, under latched corridors and soldered openings until...until one day a window is mistakenly, forgetfully opened and *BAM* It ignites again!

Nope. Can't have that.  Let the fire die out and don't feed it. Let it go until it breathes no life, affects no business of the current and decomposes to ash.
I suppose it comes down to the position of our focus.  Focusing on the possibilities of fallout from any situation, instead of from the vantage point of the self (not in a self-conceded way), only leads to more confusion.

Standing For

Much of life is the capacity to stand for something, in favor (as it resonates with your personal philosophies) of an outcome that will most likely result in a general direction of "for" - OR - the standing against an opposing belief.  In standing for, we create a constructive intent -- the desire to see fruition as it would mirror our value placed on the situation.  And sadly, there's a realization that much action is invested in standing against things rather than for them.  It's everywhere! Politics and media relations come to mind as the black hole of irritating against. But that aside...


There's a sense of freedom when you align your cause with standing for the elements of power in your environment that they might produce something effective and beautiful.  For instance, I stand for: the cause of open, loving, caring relationships -- in love and friendship, I stand for teaching children that they have the power to view life in the most positive of scopes..through standing for.
It takes less energy to stand for and in the feng-shui  sense, accepting the for from others is nearly effortless and creates a wholeness to the being.  Standing against presents two resistive forces - kind of like running your car head-on into a brick wall. There's nothing positive that can be drawn out of that instance. 

In the same context, introducing a situation that presents no resistance can often lend itself to be a scary endeavor for the immediate environment. Usually, and with the notion of "bird's of a feather..." having no resistance is a tool that comes across as being volatile...if that makes any sense.  Either way, when you start the cycle, you perpetuate goodness.  No more standing (against) the spin-cycles that serve only to drag you down.  Circling the drain isn't fun for anyone, but there are some people that feel compelled to stay there -- in among the hair and soap scum, pleading their case for being saved. If instead, the mustered up some strength of spirit, laced up their boots and went traipsing out of the scum...they'd be much better off.  And in the event that you become aware of what it is that you stand for, only to see those around you standing against something else...well, march on little soldier! Remember, there is no appreciation to be had for the self when you can't get out of your own way.