About Those Pain Receptors

Pain is unrecognizable to those souls living life in fresh perspective.
Babies.

To the rest of us, it is an expected grievance.

Elements of pain come in forms of the physical, the mental, psychological, the physiological...the emotional. The happenstance affects every part.

I was born unafraid. Courageous, even.  And now - I sat through October; my anniversary - expectant of life.  Thoughtful toward what my amazing husband of a man and I could create. We were pregnant. Able. All that we had planned and thought of had finally come to a point of culmination.

I bled.

For fourty-two days.

Two methotrexate (cancer-drug) treatments and four months later, I still wreak the havoc of what it means to be a perfectionist-idealist-mother-to-be...grieving. For months I put off the grieving. I replaced it with what I might do for someone else.  Quite an accomplished time, if i might say.

116 days.

That is the studied length of time that Methotrexate stays in the tissue of the body. I (often) hate myself.  I want for things I cannot control. I dream of things I cannot give right now. I long for serenity.
That peace that I have worked so hard for...diligently for. I want my peace back.

I create. Out of what appears as hopeless, lost, unadventured or misinterpreted. I compose.  And yet, I am left; longing...debilitated and sad.  In time, in long lengths of time, I am able to recompose. But really - I am sad.
An aching, longing, nag pulls at me.  I want to do more, be more, become more. I cannot.
If I sit. A big if...I sleep.
If I think for just a moment with my tea, I sleep.  In eleven hours - I accomplished a plethora of dreams, a recollection of plans and one sky-diving mission of which I was unaware in my slumber. But dammit, if I didn't become it.

And in the day - I fail.  I cannot possibly be all that I need to be when those persons entrusted to my care come to depend on me. I am technically savvy, emotionally available, and with motherly instincts to beat the band (most days) but lately - LEAVE ME ALONE is all I can muster as a response.

Culmination.

Of emotion.

Sucks.

My "Be better; do better...with what you have, at the time" slogan is sadly lacking as of late.

Tomorrow - I will be better. Until then -

slumber....